i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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