Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
