they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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