so that wasnt chicken after all
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
