what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
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When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
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