he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
