I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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