i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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