im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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