They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
