I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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