mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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