Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
