dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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