I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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