Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
