Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Couch. On fire.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
