I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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