doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.