Your face is a jimmy john
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra