oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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