kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
