Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
as a side note pls kill me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
