You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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