Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
