I cannot find my penis.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
