I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
