I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
