we're chasing vodka with high fives
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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