i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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