remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
