So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
