well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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