She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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