there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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