I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
