Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
