yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
