apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
