it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
