I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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