Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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