he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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