My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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