Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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