I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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