We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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