tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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