I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
