Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
