If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
