I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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