sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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