Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
